Pinay Mom on Motherhood, Etc.

Parenting can be such a complicated matter.  Others take it too seriously if you ask me.  My personal mantra has always been to “Go with the flow” so to speak.  It’s a hit or miss thing, and the best one can really do is to give it your best shot.  And that’s what Alan and I are doing.  Of course Alan has the advantage of having been a parent before with the stepson — yet he has often told me the things he is experiencing with Angelo are first time experiences he never had with his older boy.  While experience has taught him a lot, there is much more that we are learning together.

I don’t have a perfect son.  His imperfections, though, serve to remind me he is human.  That he has a personality all his own, and that there is a part of him that is so much like his father and myself, but there is so much more that is uniquely him.  And like his Dad and I, he has his moods and quirks.  While his character at this point is malleable and subject to correction, I constantly remind myself he is a work in progress.  A four year old who thinks like a four year old.

I try to be firm and I try to be understanding.  Striking a balance between being patient and consistently teaching.  Is he spoiled?  I won’t mince words and admit he is.  But he has a good heart which knows there are lines that cannot be crossed, not because he fears punishment, but because there are feelings that will be hurt and a Mom and Dad that will be frustrated.  So no, I do not threaten to put him in the dumpster like an aunt had done. I believe that a certain sense of fear is necessary, but not the kind of fear that will not make him see the reason behind the prohibition. 

I’m giving it my best shot although I sometimes wonder if I’m on the right track.  I look at him and I see him growing into his own person.  He makes me smile when he suddenly says “I love you, Mama..”.  He may be able to read the letters of his name and he knows it when he sees it, and although he cannot write his name yet, I see no cause to worry.  We’re taking it a day at a time..

My company had our annual “Take Your Sons & Daughters to Work Day” last Thursday, and I sort of decided on the spur of the moment to take Angelo. It worked out just fine because my mother-in-law was having another eye procedure and wouldn’t have been able to get Angel from daycare.

I have always taken every opportunity to show Angelo where Alan and I work. I want him not only to see where we are in our careers — but I wanted him to see what he can achieve and surpass if he strives to do well in school. I have always believed that it is never too early to instill ambition in the boy.

The cafeteria and all its offerings was quite a trip for Angelo. We went back up to my office with two bananas. (I brought a full box of cereal and I had water, milk and juice in my pantry.). Other than the occasional embarrassmet of Angelo proclaiming he needed to “make peepee,” he really behaved and having him around wasn’t too much of a distraction. It was hard at times to tell him to wait for Mommy to finish an e-mail or to keep quiet as I spoke with someone on the phone. We even had a nice polaroid taken with the company mascot which he did not want to let go of.

He actually wanted to go back with me the next day and I had to explain to him we don’t normally bring kids to work. It was just a special occasion that’s why there were so many “little people” in the office when he was there. My colleague who is the second assistant in the office have agreed that we will bring our little ones during this big event when all the bosses travel on a major recognition conference. I am already looking forward to that.

One of the things that go with Angel growing up is his getting more cognizant of the “dangers” the lurk in the world outside his comfort zone. Where he used to be totally fearless, now he gets intimidated by bigger or more rumbunctuos kids. In a sense it gets me concerned that he might not have enough confidence to assert himself, while at the same time, I don’t want him turning into a bully. Part of me likes his giving way to other kids and yet part of me feels he’s letting himself be taken advantage of.

He’s been so used to playing by himself but daycare has given him a chance to hone his social skills. I know that he derives a different kind of thrill when he is among his peers. I don’t think he is shy because after warming up to other kids, he doesn’t have difficulty blending in.

I may be getting a tad bit paranoid here but it’s just the Mom in me. I’m trying not to be overly cautious. I don’t want to be one of those moms who constantly remind their kids about what to do and what not to do. So I’m trying to hold my tongue — watching him in the playground from a safe distance.

I guess as parents, we worry about every little thing. I have to constantly remind myself that all I can do is give it my best shot. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

One of the everyday wonders of watching Angelo grow is to see how he is now developing a mind of his own. Sometimes, I cannot help but stand in awe at the things that he blurts out. Even when he is with me as I go shopping, he’s learned to express his opinions about what he likes for me.

And today, for the first time, he refused a toy his Dad had bought for him as a “pasalubong” (gift from a trip), because he wanted something else.

The boy knows what he wants. And yet if he cannot have it, I have learned to be firm about saying no. (No, we’re not buying him that “alligator” shirt like his Dad’s. At $32 at the La Coste outlet, that’s just a little too rich for something he will.outgrow in less than a year— even if I buy a size bigger. I asked Grandma in Manila to check out the “tiangge” in Greenhills…). I had vowed early on to imbibe the proper values about material things to my son after I saw how the stepson did not have any. It’s easier said than done, and doing it means causing some heartache in the little boy, but I tell myself it helps him learn how to deal with disappointment.

I’m not claiming to be an expert in parenting. This, after all, is my first and only shot at it. It’s a difficult yet rewarding experience, and knowing I only have one chance to do it right, I’m trying very hard. But one thing I’ve learned is that it is very important to keep in mind that although he is not a baby anymore, neither is he a grown up.

It means having to explain to him that Daddy’s business trip is part of his job.

I watch him and listen to him and I know my baby is growing up. And in that bigger than normal head of his is a brain absorbing everything happening around him. I’m trying to teach him to respond to be in Tagalog now… Let’s start with “opo”.

After the ultra cold weekend, I sort of expected that I would have to bundle up this morning but it was surprisingly mild. Still cold, but not THAT cold. Angel was bundled up the usual way but I had put on his gloves for good measure, but I ended up taking them off him anyway.

I left the office earlier than normal today so I can go pick him up. He’s a little sad that his Dad wasn’t there when he woke up earlier. (Alan finally got on a plane but was twice delayed at his connection in Dallas. So while he left at the crack of dawn this morning, he is still on his way to his final destination.)

These walks to and from the house and daycare are really refreshing because we sing together, talk and just bond as mother and son as we walk hand in hand. I’m glad he’s enjoying himself immensely in preschool so I know that I won’t have difficulty getting him into school next fall (hopefully). Alan and I continue to be amazed at how his vocabulary has grown in leaps and bounds in the past few months. There’s a little guy emerging from that tiny human being who never stops to bring us joy and wonder.

He’s always doubly-excited when either Alan or I pick him. It’s such a treat because it’s usually Lola who gets him at the end of the day. But with the wet leaves strewn all over the sidewalk and some patches of ice, Alan and I agreed it wouldn’t be safe for Lola to walk in the darkness. Her depth perception is already impaired, and the leaves carpetting the sidewalk over isolated clumps of ice can camouflage some danger zones which might turn out to be hazardous to her and Angel.

I’ll be bundling the boy up and I think he’ll have to wear his gloves this time.

Angel was on the shopping cart as we waited our turn at the checkout counter when he suddenly uttered “seven” — and lo and behold, when I traced the direction of his eyes, he was looking at aisle 7.  So okay I thought, that was a fluke.  He likes the number 7.  Then he points to Aisle 9 and said “9″, down to Aisle 6 and a definitive “six” and he went to Aisle 8 and proudly uttered “8″.  Talk about feeling a sense of accomplishment!

Now if I can only get him to say 1 before 2 and 3. LOL

Although this interview with Bill Gates in this week’s edition of TIME Magazine focuses more on the release of Windows Vista, I found the first question and his answer to it rather interesting as a parent:

(TIME) Vista gives parents a lot of control over how their kids use it.  Has being a dad changed the way you think about computing?

Gates: For my son, I limit the hours he can use the computer.  He was pretty disappointed in that.  He said, “Is it going to be this way the rest of my life?”  Well, at some age he can pay for his own computer.

I think this pretty much sums up parenthood and the rules we impose upon our children.  It’s all a matter of territoriality — which brings me back to my oft-repeated mantra: Parenthood is NOT a democracy.  And it rightfully should not be.  As a responsibility imposed upon us by nature as the parent, we have to make sure that we abide by the rule that we always draw the line and play our part as parents in our children’s lives

We all went through that stage when we found ourselves resenting the kind of control our parents exercised over us and unfairness of the parent-child dynamics, and I would say it’s true that we don’t really understand it fully until we are on the other side of the fence so to speak.  But even before I become a Mom, I already appreciated the way my parents made sure they were a part of my life 110%.  While I resented following the rules, I later saw the value of knowing how to follow rules in the real world.

Sadly, it is a lesson we have to be taught early on.  Learning it in a child’s teen years can be a futile attempt at change.  Rules become invisible shackles instead of mere parameters to live by.  I see this happening in my almost 17-year-old stepson’s life today.  He resents having to live with us and refuses to even show a semblance of trying to coexist peacefully — to him, we are forced to live with the situation as much as he is.  It didn’t have to be that way, but there is a resistance to compromise when your 16-year-old brain focuses only on “me” instead of the bigger world around him.  He can’t understand why he has to pick up the trash that fails to make it to the bin (someone can pick that up for him), why it’s not good to finish the whole box of cookies someone else brought home just in case someone else wants some of it, or why he shouldn’t leave his dirty socks lying around the living room, or worse, why he needs to wash the glass he had used or the plate he ate on before someone picks it up for him.

Now that Angel is almost 3 years old, I am exerting extra effort to show him there is a whole world of people beyond him and his Mom and Dad.  That beyond his two grandmas who live with him and his half brother whom he sees once or twice a week, there are people we don’t know out there, and the rule of thumb should be “Be nice.”  So concepts like “Sharing” and gratitude and appreciation by way of saying “Thank you” are things I’m trying to imbue in his value system.

I have successfully showed him we must wait our turn in line when the situation calls for it, and that we have to consider the people ahead of us.  That when someone is asleep, he has to speak in hushed tones — so now he is the one who tells us to whisper because his half brother is still sleeping.  And when he eats his goldfish crackers or cheerios, it doesn’t hurt to offer his food to others to share.  So while he knows his toys and clothes are his, he doesn’t get all possessive when we tell him to share his toys with others, and he stops to think before saying “no” when I tease him I like his favorite shirt and want to borrow it.

And this early, we’re teaching him that our rules are what must be followed in this home.  We have defined the rules of Parent and child — but not without defining it in a loving environment.  It’s a tricky balance to achieve, but it’s doable.  The thing that matters, I believe, is constantly working at it, and not getting relaxed when everything is going smoothly.  You cannot reinforce values enough throughout a child’s life — and the rewards or lack of it will come when they start going out into the real world.

As Alan told the stepson just recently, much as he wants to work things out with his son, if he cannot follow our rules and he cannot leave peacefully with us, he can always choose to go.  Last Thursday he left the house purportedly to go to his Mom’s.  The grandma thought it was Friday and thought nothing of it until my Mom reminded her that the following day was a schoolday.  The boy didn’t show up at his Mom’s and we don’t know where he is right now.  He’ll just show up Sunday or Monday evening — and we’re supposed to just live with that.  That might be allowable for the stepson, but this early, I’m trying to stop that from happening to my own little boy, 15 years hence — I’m getting there a day at a time.